Buff the bolt snipers to have SMG firerate so anyone can use them to quickscope new players. Increase hipfire accuracy to 100 percent. Increase damage to 200 so that when Lincuxe shoots you in the foot, you die. Also increase the ping so that you can get hit behind anything, even from across the map even if you was there 30 seconds ago.
This thread is just satire, don't take it seriously.